I Had Left - I was Free
I was Single I Was Me.
Right ?
I did NOT let me be Free.
Though no chains wound around me,
No rules, or eggshells surrounded Me -
Still I Kept Myself
UnFree in Me.
I did not allow me to be happy, to even
Carry a “Real Smile”
I had driven Mile Upon Mile
On the Hopes of an Illusion Becoming a Reality
That I did not really want at all.
I ran boldly to her to find that in me
Which I lost in US.
Trapping Myself in their Version of Me.
Standing in Free Choice, Unable to Choose.
Getting Past the Insatiable Sad and Letting Myself
Have a Life, have Happy, have joy..
Seemed Almost impossible as I lay in a heap on a floor
Somewhere a thousand miles away from all I knew
Or ever wanted us to be.
Though So Far away Physically from US
I lay in the grief of possible yesterdays
Though I could not change
One Moment in the Reality of Now
For longing for a yesterday to be different
Somehow then it really was.
I laid in your version of me and wanting to
Please You, to be a me you would want or need me to
Be in order to want your hands ON
“to touch me”.
I had come to lose the real me in the versions
Of reality we danced and called our life.
And in who I tried to be
To please you, though from your eyes
This it Did Not Seem.
So much about myself I had suppressed
In this altered version of me,
That I became someone I could not even relate to.
Leaving Yesterday for a Possible Tomorrow
Was all I Could Bring Message to Action,
To Stop the Bullet from the Bone.
My Legs though wobbly, me Lungs barely worked
I moved my life, enough to survive, in plastic bags
In the rain, Alone - and in that I hoped a tomorrow
Would arrive though Secretly I hoped it
Certainly Would Not.
In the Fight to have my material things,
In the yearning for you to see me as I saw me
And the crave for you to acknowledge my
Contribution to US, to Our Life ..
a boiling over began In an incredible whirlwind
Of Emotion, Anger, Sad, Yearning, Loss
that was creating a perfect storm
And in this, the only light that flickered
Was the Woman in another Land,
That My Heart Beckoned Me.
Her love, though a Seeming Mirage
In looking back, it was a mirage that
Saved my Soul, and though her heart
Never did reach mine, I had found an Oasis,
I had found water, and I had found
A Consciousness of People that
I Could Allow a Self To Become Whole In.
Here in my New Illusion of Life,
In my empty apartment with no one
Needing anything from me in any way..
Here, I could Breath, but that is All I could do….
All I could see was the chore, the rent,
The laundry, the loss - the bills - the new life
I was so feeble, so awkward at all of it..
Driving, Shopping, and don’t even think about
The mundane of car insurance, and Costco.
I could not function in a Me without US.
Nothing about what we were I could bare
To live in any more, no real explanation
Of Soul, just a heart dying and Soul
Gasping For Air.
I could not bare to live without you
Though I chose to leave to Save my soul
and to hope to heal to love again.
In the way I craved to be loved in all parts of me,
YET I could not even shop
For food and be at peace - how was I ever to find
A love that was more then just two bodies intertwined ?
And now as I lay on the floor of this apartment,
I cry and I cry - I want to die. And why don’t’ I stand
In free choice, cant I choose happy ? Can’t I choose Life?
I know better then this, I have known how
To walk this world since I was born.
Why can I not get up and just get on with
A Life or Something Like It.
Walking, Songs in my Ear - Notebook in My Pocket
And the Occasional Stranger in My Bed
Was Simply All my Human Existence could Manage
To Allow as the new procession of my life
Attempted to unfold.
I walked day after day
Mile after Mile..
A bit of Hope in Each Stranger’s Smile.
I heard inspiring Song after Song
I looked deep into the eyes of strangers
Looking for a Genderless Forever that
I really did not believe existed anyway.
I found great joy in walking in a world
That I had come to know where every face smiled,
Where open minds poured onto open conscious streets,
Where I could breath in the New Age, Lesbian, Healing,
Organic, Hippie Chick Redneck Me.
Here there were no labels, here there is benches
In the perfect place. There are stores and hearts
That reach my Soul in just that way.
But even in this True Hope
Of living somewhere sunny all the time,
Open Minded and Live and Let Live,
In a land of organics, consciousness,
Music everywhere and life alive…
I missed the Mountains In my Heart
In the Way I knew and I missed a
Lover in my Arms - I missed something
That in a Real Reality Did not Yet Exist.
But in the contours of my heart and
The yearning of my minds Eye
There She Was Boldly Standing
in the Forever Spot of the
Fabled "One".
Whether She Existed
Remained to Be a Constant Memory.
I went to movie after movie,
I walked every path that reached for me
And the Dating.. Well I found Myself in
The Arms of this Altered Reality, and the
Self I Saw in their Eyes, in their Arms
Was a Shock I was Not Quite prepared to See.
In their Arms, in the arms of These
Lovers of Mine..
Reasons and Seasons
Piled Up like a Train Wreck
in My Heart, in my Mind
And my Reach For Air, my ALIVE
Could not Find any way to Jump Start.
I fell in the illusion of Love,
I danced in their world
To find me, and as I look back
I honor each expression of it all
Though walking heart dead, indeed I was.
Each New Heart Claimed
In a Passionate or even a Cold Kiss
Became another Journey of Me
Another altered Possible Path,
possibly even a Reality.
Each Woman that I Kissed.
Each Heart Beat Next to Mine,
Hands on My Body,
Tongues Intertwined with that forgotten Lustful me..
In each ….
I opened my Love to a
Possible tomorrow though
my I was shut off and my Heart was COLD.
Still in that kiss I entered their world as they were
Living it, there was not a solid me for a true love
To enter my World.
I was the Love Transient, and
They were stable, whether a small trailer, a room
A simple home or a mansion,
They were in their world how they wanted it to be and
Stable not in money, not in plans but stable in the knowing
That this was Their life and I was only visiting it and no way
Could in their life I let my life be….. Permanently ..
However in the Arms of a Stranger
I learned more about Me
Then a decade before.
And so much I learned that was indeed
NOT her Patterns Repeat but mine,
And in time as we moved to separate beds, to separate rooms,
To separate houses and now we move to separate lives, separate worlds
I look back and I see that in our Pause on Life
I lost the Luster in Me, and though many slam me for
The seeming heartless sexual encounter
In random fashion and design.
For me in the Death of Heart, the Loss of Believing
Anyone wanted me that way and in a total
Abandoned self Dead to every Part of Me,
Those Strangers Wanting Me,
Those Lips I Craved,
Was CPR to my Soul, my Body
And in that I was Saved
From the cage I put myself in and
Allowed myself for so long to stay.
I found a flicker of Light
Here and there, a laugh now and then..
And in the Truth of who I would not let myself be
There was you, boldly standing tall in my mind.
The Promise of a Lover (someday) who would love
Me in the way that every part of my human body craved,
and my Galatic body yearned for.
A Lover to stand in Truth,
in Spiritual knowing,
In intellectual allowance, in words that rhyme
With my Soul every Single Time.
With each Hope
Of a better tomorrow ..
I began to heal the gaping wounds
Spread Out Over My Ever Present
Living, Breathing Yesterday.
In Mourning the Loss of my Life
As I Knew It
The way I thought it once should and forever be.
And in letting go of Yesterdays Hold On My Tomorrow.
I began to believe that Love
would Just One Day Arrive
And that my Focus was to be on Me,
Though I had walked away from it all to find
That which filled my soul on that Twin Flame,
Cellular, Insatiably Yearning Level Craved
Still I had Hope that the Love in My Mind’s
eye Really did Exist in this Reality.
And that Staying Here on Earth
And Finding That Loving Place
I know only to Truly on the Side
The Home in Crossing Over,
Well It is a Possibility in this Human Body.
The Promise of New Love on the Horizon
Was not enough to get me off the floor,
In Which I had Became to Now comfortable In
As this New Version of My Reality.
did give me hope beyond this moment..
However Without a Flame, I Could Not
Walk the Talk That My Minds Eye
Rambled to My Heart Every Single Day.
And then one Evening There it Was
A Sign of Great Love, a Hope of
Someone thinking me Sexy, and Seeing My Soul
A woman reached in and grabbed me
From the Shore I washed up on and she
Brought me to her bosom, she sassed me,
She lusted me, she loved me, she heard me,
She strong armed me, she laughed with me.
She held me in constant energy,
almost 24 -7 at that time when my
Soul so badly wanted to Go Home
To the Other Side of this Life.
And in her Love,
I found myself once again
Putting the miles behind me and
Reaching for a possibly tomorrow
And the possibility of this to being a Mirage
Was not something I entertained for it
Was the Only Breath of Air, it was the Hope
Of a better tomorrow, it was the fill to my lungs,
The warmth to my heart, the get up and go
To my life and the lust in my loins….
Reaching to land in her arms,
My saving grace, a shore I did not know and
Once landed, patterns played that’s for sure.
However the Greater Good Surely has
A Destined plan and the Mirage that
Her love, her lust, he forever became
Well I must again have faith as this
Landed me Right Back into the Mountains,
My Home in which I had Left in the First Place.
She Brought Me Home
To the Forever Place in Me
That my Core Foundation Needed to Truly Heal
She Brought Me to My Self, Painfully,
Chaotically Awkwardly - this Mirage Brought Me back
To the Beginning, to the Reset button of my Soul’s Yearning.
Her Promise of Us
Her I So Believe,
That did not quite meet up to
Portrayed reality…
However,
It did Became the Ultimate of
Reasons and Seasons
That landed me further then my yesterday
And all they back to my childhood, to my healing
And to the Soul That Could See My Whole.
.. kind of a Soul Retrieval of my Inner Child's
Heart, Passion, Truth In Me.
Though Kicking and Screaming
to Come to this Exact Moment in Time,
this Exact Building in this Exact Spot...
Well I Trust that the Great Spirit
Has divine Reason, Though Doubt Attempts
it's HOLD On my Forever Insatiable Destined Tomorrow
A promised tomorrow lay in the wake of yesterday
And I struggle to be thankful for how it all played out
As the Pain at Times Still takes the Center Stage
And the Crave to Change a yesterday
Often Consumes the Peace of My Today.
Should I have Ran to the Mirage?
and Why Do I Sit Here in This
Version of NOW
waiting for a Beckoned Sign
and a Life Totally Re-Designed.
..To Be Cont.
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